Friday, September 3, 2010

My spirit of sadness

When my pain leaved me a mark on August 2007, it was a terrible day for me, it changes me. I felt hopeless and helpless. But when I learned to look God as my hope and helper, it changes me as well. I begun to have more friends at church and ministries and I decided to commit my life to God who gave me strength and begun to change my life as well. As I doing my ministry in serving God and for the people of God, though I am enjoying and being proud that God use me for His glory, I keep asking myself “is this what God wants me to do?” “Is this the purpose of my life here on earth?” But before I joined the ministry, I have this feeling that I never felt before in my whole life. As if somebody whispering in my ear and in my heart that He wants to see me doing these things in the ministry and for all the people here on earth. But then, I’m just beginning to lose my interest in the ministry because I want to do something else not because I don’t want God anymore, not because I don’t want to serve Him anymore and serving people but it just that I don’t want to stay focus on there for the rest of my life. I keep on searching for happiness that I lost on August 2007; I keep striving for it for me to cover myself of happiness than sadness. I know that God didn’t promise that I will be healed emotionally once that I accept Him, being a Born Again Christian, is not like laying on bed of roses but rather on bed of torn roses. I also believe that God didn’t give us a problem that we can’t solve; He never gave us a burden heavier than we can carry. Life without a problem is worthless. I’m longing for deep kind of friendship or maybe a relationship; I want somebody to become my permanent friend or maybe a partner. I believe that God is always there for me, take care of me but I was tired of believing on things that it cannot be seen. I have friends, many friends in the church but none of them seem to be my closest friends. When I left the church, I was all alone. I want somebody to be with me wherever I go; I don’t want a person to be with me if I go one place to another. Of course, I don’t want to have relationship in person all alone but I want a relationship both God and to the person I loved. I just can’t control my feelings from being sad whenever I’m alone, it make the wounds stronger pain than before and I admit that I can’t never healed myself just by being with someone that later on will gone. I had my best friend before when we were in high school but when I continue my study in college and she did not, our conversation and being together become lessen. Too late that I knew, she was pregnant and I know eventually, she will go to have her own family. And that day, I decided to continue not to have relationship with her the way we had done before not because I’m angry for not telling me her whereabouts but because I realized that she’s now having a new life different from mine so I let her go, Plus the fact that her treatment to me will never be same anymore. A friend once told me, “It’s difficult to keep the faithfulness of the person” but God can, He is faithful to me even though I’m not faithful to Him. He is faithful to each one of us. And He loved us very much. I have told God through prayer in all of these, I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just being true and open because I know that God understand my needs as a human and I know that He know what exactly is in my heart although I’m not going to tell Him through prayer, He would know still. I had once read an article, it says “The things that made us hurt is the same things will heal us”. I also pray to God that someday, I will overcome this spirit of sadness and I pray that someday, someone will come along to be with me for the rest of my life and together we will experience the Holy Presence of God as we bond ourselves together with His love.

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